A new tool in the toolbox for those of us who struggle to ask for what we need.
by Brian Curtis, Ph.D.
For much of my life, I've struggled with pleasing others at the expense of my own needs.
Looking back, this wasn't influenced as much by others ... no people being pushy or aggressive ... but more of how I tended to approach responsibilities and people making requests for my time and attention.
My group of 6 students needs to prepare a presentation for 50% of our final grade? How about I create the slides and email them around for all of your comments?
Would I want to collaborate on two additional projects even though I'm hurtling towards burnout and will soon shatter a tooth due to years of stress-induced teeth clenching? ......... Yup.
Occasionally sacrificing our own needs for others can be a beautiful thing.
Difficulties can arise, however, if we make this a habit. A way of being. What we're known for.
Gradual transmutation of selfless giving into silent resentment.
See if you find yourself nodding as you read the following beliefs:
1) I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.
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2) If I need to ask for help, they'll think I'm incompetent or weak.
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3) I don't deserve to get what I need or want.
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4) Saying no to someone else's request is a selfish thing to do.
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5) I shouldn't have to ask for what I want, they should just know.
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There are many skills to help us strike a more effective balance between getting our needs met and helping others when needed.
You can come up with fact-based challenges to beliefs that get in the way of getting what you need (see the 5 beliefs above), strengthening your relationships, and keeping your self-respect.
You can practice getting specific about your goals in interpersonal interactions, describing what you want, expressing your feelings, being more effectively assertive, and considering how to approach interactions in a win/win rather than winner-take-all manner.
But there's another way to approach assertiveness that I want to share with you, in case it's useful.
During my clinical psychology training in graduate school, I had an amazing supervisor who gave me a new perspective on my tendency for people-pleasing.
My wife Megan was about to give birth to our third child. I stood up during a clinical team meeting and (GULP!) had the floor to ask a favor:
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"As you all know, Megan will be giving birth to our third baby soon, and I wanted to bring it up sooner rather than later that I'll probably need a week off of work after our baby is born."
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My supervisor smiled.
"Brian ... you won't be taking a week off."
(My polite smile dropped).
"You'll be taking at least 3 weeks off. Probably longer."
I started to make words with my mouth in the shape of letting her and the team know why 2 weeks, maximum, would be overly generous, when her hand slowly rose up in the air with a smile.
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"Brian ... THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU ..... This is about Megan. This is about your other children. This is about you being there for your family. You talk endlessly about how your family is your top priority. This is about taking care of yourself so you can take care of the people you love."
So, here's an experiment you can run the next time you reflexively hesitate to ask for a favor, to get your needs met, to advocate on your own behalf:
When you notice yourself hesitating to be assertive, remember this new perspective: "This isn't about YOU."
Get over yourself.
This is about not burning out. This is about taking care of yourself. This is about putting on your oxygen mask so you can stay conscious long enough to be there for the people you truly care about.
And if you can tolerate the judgments that may arise when you consider doing something for yourself: Yes, this is also for you. And that's not only OK. That's amazing.
You deserve it.
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We all do.
