The Counterproductive Nature of Trying Harder to Relax

by Brian Curtis, PhD, DBSM

As a clinical psychologist, I frequently encounter clients who are frustrated with their inability to relax or fall asleep, despite their best efforts.

This frustration often stems from a common misconception: The harder we try to relax or sleep, the further we move from achieving these states.

The truth is that genuine relaxation and natural sleep onset are paradoxically achieved not through forceful effort but through letting go.

Consider relaxation. Many people attempt to relax by forcefully trying to calm their minds and bodies. This approach, however, activates the sympathetic nervous system—our "fight or flight" response—which is counterproductive to relaxation.

Instead, the key lies in gentle and consistent practice. Techniques such as slow, controlled breathing and paired muscle relaxation can help.

By focusing on extending your exhalation longer than your inhalation and pairing this technique with the gradual release of tension from key muscle groups, all without striving to relax, you signal your body to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the "rest and digest" response.

Over time, setting aside brief moments each day to practice these techniques can gradually take your stressed-out foot off the gas pedal of anxiety and ease your body back to a natural state of relaxation.

Similarly, when it comes to sleep, the concept of "sleep effort" describes the futile act of trying harder to fall asleep. This counterproductive effort often leads to increased frustration and wakefulness.

Instead, effective sleep strategies focus on what you do outside of bed. Building a consistent pre-sleep routine, maintaining a regular sleep-wake schedule aligned with your circadian rhythm, and practicing cognitive and physiological skills to stop struggling with sleep are all crucial.

This means your true effort is invested in creating an environment and mindset that naturally facilitate sleep, rather than trying to force sleep when you're already in bed.

The common thread in both relaxation and sleep is the necessity of letting go. To truly relax, you give your mind permission to let go of control and allow relaxation to happen all on its own. To sleep, you let go of the struggle and thereby permit natural sleep onset.

If your immediate reaction is, "Great, but how do I DO THAT?!?" it's important to recognize that this question itself reveals the counterproductive approach of trying to control your moment-to-moment experience. The act of trying to control relaxation or sleep is precisely what prevents it.

Instead, shift your focus to learning and practicing the skills that create the right conditions for these states to emerge naturally, all on their own. This process is less about doing and more about allowing, less about control and more about letting go.

- Brian